READERS' GRIPE ABOUT LOVE, SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

John, 28, from Ashby-de-la-Zouch writes:

DON'T ASK ME TO 'LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND'

When we were having sex, I hated it when my ex asked me to 'lie back and think of England.' That was never going to be enough for me, sexually - so I used to lie back and think of Universe.

Normally the fantasy went like this: Universe is sitting under a tree in a shaft of sunlight. Smiling. Naked. I approach, say Hi, talk for a while. Get on like a house on fire. We swap numbers. I call and arrange to meet.

We meet. It's all going well. Then I tell a bad joke. The Universe, needlessly offended, gets up and storms out. I phone all the time to apologise, but the Universe won't take my calls and gets a restraining order and an injunction forbidding me from attempting any further contact.

I soon descend into madness and despair and end up sending the Universe a poison pen letter… “Dear Universe, I've been watching you, you little slut.” I get six months in prison for stalking, released after three months on good behaviour. And by that point my ex had usually reached her first or second orgasm.

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