PET HATES: READERS' GRIPES
READERS GRIPE ABOUT LOVE, SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
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Pet Hates:
Readers' Gripes
Married every day
Lie back and think of England
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Carol, 32, from Basingstoke writes:
MAKES ME SICK WHEN MY HAPPILY MARRIED FRIENDS SAY: “BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! - I WISH WE COULD GET MARRIED EVERY DAY!”
Married every day? Are they crazy? Only once a day? That's not love! Loveless morons.
Real love gets married anywhere between twice and four times a day. And then wakes up a couple of times every night for another two marriages. Then up at 0500 hours to squeeze in a renewal of vows before the next days pre-breakfast wedding. (link)
John, 28, from Ashby-de-la-Zouch writes:
DON'T ASK ME TO 'LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND'
When we were having sex, I hated it when my ex asked me to 'lie back and think of England.' That was never going to be enough for me, sexually - so I used to lie back and think of Universe.
Normally the fantasy went like this: Universe is sitting under a tree in a shaft of sunlight. Smiling. Naked. I approach, say Hi, talk for a while. Get on like a house on fire. We swap numbers. I call and arrange to meet.
We meet. It's all going well. Then I tell a bad joke. The Universe, needlessly offended, gets up and storms out. I phone all the time to apologise, but the Universe won't take my calls and gets a restraining order and an injunction forbidding me from attempting any further contact.
I soon descend into madness and despair and end up sending the Universe a poison pen letter… “Dear Universe, I've been watching you, you little slut.” I get six months in prison for stalking, released after three months on good behaviour. And by that point my ex had usually reached her first or second orgasm. (link)
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